don't tell me i'm a freak

Sentimental Heart

2011-12-11T17:35:00.000+08:00

it has been sometimes since my last entry...

it's not that i dont have time, or that i dont have anything to say...

it's just too much to write it down...

im in a middle of deciding an important decision for my future...

and im not really sure what should i do...

mmm...

for now, i think i will make it on hold for a while... maybe.

like

2011-10-09T10:20:00.000+08:00

i wish you are here. always.

yes im selfish like that.

but you have your own life.

your own friends to entertain.

who are closer,

who are near,

who are visible in front of your eyes.

im far i realize.

so i wish you are here. always.

and yes im selfish like that.

please me please.

Sidji (Satu)

2011-10-02T21:25:00.000+08:00

kalau kau dah pernah keluar dari tempat kau, barulah kau tau apa tu keterbukaan.

janganlah pandang negatif saja.

bila kau melihat segala sesuatu tu negatif, kau dengan tak sengaja mengajak orang lain berfikiran negatif jugak.

aku pernah cuba untuk tidak terpedaya dengan keterbatasan lapang pandang kau. tapi cuba... bila kau sering disuap dengan sesuatu yang membakar nasionalisme kau, siapa tahan beb....

semakin aku jauh dari tanah tumpah darahku, semakin aku jauh dari bau udara negaraku... semakin aku sedar... betapa kuatnya cinta aku pada jalur gemilang itu...

aku hormat cara kau. aku hormat negara kau. jadi cuba hormat pendirian aku.

jom jadi satu.

emosi

2011-09-19T10:47:00.003+08:00

penatlah nak emosi... boleh tak just nak hidup happy. makin hari makin sakit hati ni...

penatlah...

serious tak sabar nak blah

2011-09-18T08:32:00.004+08:00

saya ingat bangsa itu dah simpan sifat racist mereka dalam tempat paling dalam, dalam hati mereka. tak sangka rupanya masih ada yang otak cetek walaupun berpendidikan tinggi.

palingpun racistlah senyap-senyap. tak payah telinga saya ni nak panas dengar.

harap dapat sabar.... sikit je lagi. one more year and ill be gone.

beauty and the beast

2011-07-17T20:14:00.000+08:00

And if you go my heart you'll be taking too
So please be careful and kind
And if you go
My love I can't wait to be with you again
You're in my heart, in my mind

sometimes you dont have to talk... the song will explain it all...

life cycle

2011-07-16T15:02:00.000+08:00

Maybe I'm A Girl And Maybe I'm A Lonely Girl
Who's In The Middle Of Something
That She Doesn't Really Understand

stars falling down

2011-07-12T00:00:00.002+08:00

if i cant touch the falling stars
at least let me feel the shine

torrefy

2011-06-26T01:17:00.000+08:00

im not a fan of rap or hip-hop or anything falls under this genre... totally not a fan. i dont know why i just am not a fan. hehehe..... but this one. i like!!! probably because it involves my future career. well, i love anything that has anything to do with me. lame? what to do...

"i need a doctor.... to bring me back to life"

owh im not a gray's anatomy die hard fan. used to but not anymore.
just so you know....

between the minds

2011-06-19T09:57:00.002+08:00

im not an expressive human being.
so when im giving you silence treatment, that means there's something playing on my mind.
im not expecting you to know what it is.
i just want you to at least realize that im not happy at the moment.

what i want is too much for you right?
im sorry

Sugar Town (^_~)v

2011-06-05T00:42:00.000+08:00

I got some troubles but they won't last
I'm gonna lay right down here in the grass
And pretty soon all my troubles will pass
'cause I'm in shoo-shoo-shoo, shoo-shoo-shoo
Shoo-shoo, shoo-shoo, shoo-shoo Sugar Town

I never had a dog that liked me some
Never had a friend or wanted one
So I just lay back and laugh at the sun
'cause I'm in shoo-shoo-shoo, shoo-shoo-shoo
Shoo-shoo, shoo-shoo, shoo-shoo Sugar Town

Yesterday it rained in Tennessee
I heard it also rained in Tallahassee
But not a drop fell on little old me
'cause I was in shoo-shoo-shoo, shoo-shoo-shoo
Shoo-shoo, shoo-shoo, shoo-shoo Sugar Town

If I had a million dollars or ten
I'd give to ya, world, and then
You'd go away and let me spend
My life in shoo-shoo-shoo, shoo-shoo-shoo
Shoo-shoo, shoo-shoo, shoo-shoo Sugar Town
la-la-la-la to end

sometimes, all you need is a stranger.

2011-06-04T20:33:00.000+08:00

NEVER SAID GOODBYE - BLINDSWITCH

Sitting here starring at your picture hanging on my wall

Remember all the times when you lift me up so high

You never let me fall

I wish that you could see the person

That I’ve grown up to be

It’s because of you

All because of you

I never said goodbye to you

I never even had a clue

That it would be the last time that I ever spoke to you

Wish I had more to say

Wish I had one more day

Just so I could see your face

Just so I could tell you

All you mean to me

But life’s just not that way

Could have said goodbye to you

Now I’m looking through the windows of my life

Tracing back the steps I’ve made

My choices were not always right

And though you’re not here right now

I hope I made you proud

It’s because of you

Yeah, because of you

I never said goodbye to you

I never even had a clue

That it would be the last time that I ever spoke to you

Wish I had more to say

Wish I had one more day

Just so I could see your face

Just so I could tell you

All you mean to me

But life’s just not that way

Could have said goodbye to you

If only for a moment I could talk to you

There’s so much more to say

I never said goodbye to you

I never even had a clue

That it would be the last time that I ever spoke to you

Wish I had more to say

Wish I had one more day

Just so I could see your face

Just so I could tell you

All you mean to me

But life’s just not that way

Could have said goodbye to you

I went to see you yesterday

Put another rose by your name

CREDIT TO MISS NADHIRA FOR THE SONG

thank you stranger. you are the best.

LAGU

2011-05-29T12:13:00.000+08:00

owh comelnya......

pour some sugar on me

2011-05-17T07:27:00.002+08:00

how will you know if someone loves you if you dont tell them that you love them too
-a friend-

just like you shoobie-doo-doo too

2011-05-11T00:54:00.002+08:00

i dont know how to keep on going. feels like giving up.feels like im too fragile for this career.

but saving life is one of my dreams.

i tried to save 1 yesterday. but i failed. and i just found out, with disease like that, no resuscitation needed. i tried my best. but my best is not enough, because in this med world, im a dangerous doctor. just because i have limited knowlegde.

i dont want to be a dangerous doctor. but for now, i am one. =(

i wish i have bigger brain. bigger than my ass.

nak jadi spongebob boleh tak. nak serap semua benda and still can show that big smile.

terima kasih kawan

2011-04-26T22:07:00.003+08:00

saya ni jenis orang yang sangat, sangat, sangat cepat terasa. senang marah. senang kecik hati. sensitif.

tapi saya juga cepat cool down.

surat dari awak buat saya tenang. betul cakap awak, kalau kita boleh rewind time saya nak pergi dekat masa kita first time jumpa supaya kita boleh lebih open to each other.
maaf saya buat awak sedih. tapi defence mechanism awak yang kuat buat saya kagum. i tried to be like you. but, but it's hard. saya takkan susah kan hidup awak lagi.

saya dah tak sedih lagi. im happy now. i hope you do too....
terima kasih sebab buat saya jadi kuat macam awak.

owh and im really happy for you...

even lonely star will shine

2011-04-24T14:00:00.002+08:00

ill shine even if im lonely....

ill stop wondering... am i your friend or just someone-you-know...
ill stop asking... why am i the only one who doesnt know...
because it hurts to know that these few years meant nothing for you. meant nothing till you dont even share whats happening in your life... meant nothing till i always be the last to know everything about you.

ill stop caring... so i wont get hurt anymore...

ill be like you.... less expressive.
so you wont know how hurt i felt inside like i dont know how cold your heart is.

well, this is my ego talking. because im not strong like you to not to cry.
but dont worry... ill be the lonely star. i will shine and be fine.

hati seorang jane doe

2011-04-24T11:24:00.005+08:00

sedih bila terpaksa menjadi jane doe untuk orang yang kita anggap dekat dengan kita.

beberapa hari yang lepas saya ada terbaca satu artikel tentang kenapa kita berteriak bila marah... saya tak ingat kat mana tapi saya ada terbaca... mungkin ramai yang sudah terbaca juga cerita ni. cerita ni memang sangat memotivasikan orang lain.... tapi tidak bagi saya. entahlah mungkin kerana terlalu banyak berfikir. atau mungkin juga kerana cara saya tidak sama seperti orang lain.

“Mengapa ketika seseorang sedang dalam keadaan marah,

dia akan berbicara dengan suara kuat atau menjerit?”

Seorang murid setelah berfikir cukup lama mengangkat tangan dan menjawab,

“Kerana ketika itu dia telah kehilangan kesabaran, lalu berteriak.”

“Tapi…” guru itu balik bertanya, “lawan bicaranya berada dekatnya.

Mengapa harus berteriak? Apakah dia tak dapat berbicara secara halus?”

Hampir semua murid memberikan sejumlah alasan yang dikira betul menurut pertimbangan mereka.

Namun tak satupun jawapan yang memuaskan.

Guru lalu berkata, “Ketika dua orang sedang berada dalam situasi kemarahan,

jarak antara ke dua hati mereka menjadi amat jauh walau secara fizikal mereka begitu dekat. Kerana itu, untuk mencapai jarak yang demikian, mereka harus berteriak.

Namun anehnya, semakin kuat mereka berteriak, semakin pula mereka menjadi marah dan dengan sendirinya jarak hati yang ada di antara keduanya pun menjadi lebih jauh lagi. Kerana itu mereka terpaksa menjerit lebih kuat lagi.”

“Sebaliknya, apa yang terjadi ketika dua orang saling jatuh cinta?

Mereka tak hanya tidak berteriak, namun ketika mereka berbicara

suara yang keluar dari mulut mereka begitu halus dan kecil.

Sehalus apapun, keduanya dapat mendengarkannya dengan begitu jelas.

Mengapa demikian?”

Sang guru bertanya sambil memperhatikan para muridnya.

Mereka nampaknya berfikir amat dalam namun tak seorang pun berani memberikan jawaban.

“Kerana hati mereka begitu dekat, hati mereka tak berjarak sehingga sepatah katapun

tak perlu diucapkan. Sebuah pandangan mata saja cukup membuat mereka

tahu apa yang ingin mereka sampaikan.”

Sang guru masih melanjutkan, “Ketika kamu sedang dilanda kemarahan, janganlah hatimu menciptakan jarak. Lebih lagi hendaknya kamu tidak mengucapkan kata yang mendatangkan jarak di antara kamu. Mungkin di saat seperti itu, TAK mengucapkan kata² mungkin merupakan cara yang BIJAKSANA. Kerana waktu akan membantumu.”

diam memang cara yang paling bijaksana. tapi perlahan-lahan luka dalam diam itu yang akan menghakis tanpa siapapun sedar. hingga satu hari sudah terlalu lambat untuk di sembuhkan... suatu hari nanti, bila ruang maaf dalam hati yang terhakis rosak total.

saya akan ada untuk siapa saja yang mahu saya ada untuk dia.
if you appreciate me and make me part of your life, ill appreciate you more and make you my world.

kadang-kadang bila kita terlalu memikirkan diri sendiri kita lupa orang memikirkan tentang kita juga.

you broke my heart

2011-04-21T13:26:00.002+08:00

you blame me like it's all my fault

congratulation... you just made me cry.
well, lets just assume we are all happy...

discontented

2011-04-20T10:11:00.003+08:00

im not good in keeping in touch.
im not good in sharing my thoughts.
im not good in exposing myself to other.

but somehow, i think i know which to be told and which are not...

well, i learn from others. if i make the same thing you did, dont blame me because i learn it from you.

hope you happy always. as much as you dont care, ill do the same....

semoga kau bahagia selalu, kawan.

if you're crazy... i dont care, you amaze me.

2011-04-15T20:24:00.000+08:00

every cute song i heard, i'll be thinking of you

RAINBOW CONNECTION

2011-04-05T23:01:00.002+08:00

why are there so many

songs about rainbows

and whats on the other side

rainbows are visions

but only illusions

rainbows have nothing to hide

what's so amazing

that it keeps us star gazing

and what do they think we might see

someday we'll find it

the rainbow connection

the lovers, the dreamers and me

have you been half asleep

and have you heard the voices

well i've heard them calling my name

is this the sweet sound

that cause the young sailors

the voice might be one and the same

i heard too many many times to ignore it

oooo.... and i think it could be

well someday we'll find it

the rainbow connection

the lovers, the dreamers and me

RAINBOW CONNECTION - JASON MRAZ

it takes no time to fall in love, But it takes you years to know what love is

2011-04-04T21:45:00.000+08:00

this man is legeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnndddddd.... wait for it..... dary.....

cute sangat part trumpet.... both pun cute.

haih, memang sweetdream betul.....

not invisible anymore

2011-04-04T07:04:00.003+08:00

saya ingat saya ni invisible pada orang lain. tapi rupa-rupanya ramai juga yang diam-diam ambil tahu tentang hidup saya. mmm....

mereka kata : eh, dulu jual mahal sekarang tiba-tiba dengan dia pula.... what happen?

well, according to summer.... life happens dude....

p/s: semalam saya tengok 500 days of summer. dulu ni cerita favourite saya. tapi sekarang dah tak lagi kot. saya tak mahu jadi macam summer....

tapi saya nak jadi sunshine dia =) kan awak kan.....

looking for an answer in a world that answers none of them at all

2011-04-02T13:37:00.000+08:00

"im only as tall as my heart will let me be
and im only as small as the world will make me seem
when the going gets rough and i feel like i might fall
i look on the bright side, im roughly six feet tall"

adaptasi

2011-04-02T10:56:00.002+08:00

sepanjang saya belajar di Indonesia ni. saya dah jumpa dengan banyak dosen (lecturer) yang macam-macam. ada yang boleh bagi tabik spring. ada yang boleh buat macam kawan. ada yang serius. ada yang menakutkan. ada yang biasa-biasa. macam-macamlah pokoknya.

tapi ada satu jenis dosen yang saya memang tak boleh tahan. dosen yang suka bias dengan orang malaysia. mmmm apakah? kata profesional. macam tu ke cara nak jadi profesional?

saya ada satu masalah. saya bukanlah jenis orang yang boleh beradaptasi dengan cepat. terutama masalah bahasa. tapi saya suka belajar. saya cuba belajar. tapi itulah... lidah ni susah sangat nak beradaptasi. kalau nak diikutkan sayalah yang paling bersemangat nak belajar bahasa sunda (bahasa daerah bandung) saya siap ada 2 dictionary bahasa indonesia-sunda. bayangkan semangat saya macam mana. tapi susah kot nak belajar bahasa ni. hohoho.... senang cerita saya ni "lampi" lah jugak... huhuhu

sebab tu saya kena rajin. sebab saya bukanlah genius yang boleh absorb dengan sekilas pandang je. im not that person. huhuhu....

ok macam biasa. saya mesti melencong sikit. hehehe... saya nak cerita pasal dosen yang "bias" tadi. sepanjang saya sudah 4 tahun di fakultas kedokteran universitas padjadjaran dan hampir 6 bulan di rumah sakit hasan sadikin bandung. saya belum pernah jumpa dosen bias yang obvious macam dokter ni.

paling pun dengar cerita dari senior-senior. atau after exam dapat tahu dia tak suka malaysia. and the next thing you know... you failed...

ok paling pun macam tu jelah.

tapi yesterday was the first time i met a dosen yang jelas2 cakap.... "saya ngak mahu menguji anak malaysia...." wt.....

sebelum ni saya adore this doctor. saya rasa dia genius. sebab cara dia fikir different. dia lebih kepada implementasi. macamana nak adjust pemikiran kita yang penuh dengan teori untuk di praktik kan.

genius kot.

tapi...... semalam dia telah membuat saya memandang serong pada dia.

setahu saya, sebagai seorang dokter kita tak boleh membeza-bezakan orang lain. tak boleh rawat orang kaya lebih dari orang miskin. tak boleh pilih-pilih pasien. tapi dia..... memilih untuk tidak menguji anak malaysia. .... memang so unprofessional.

tak sangka pemikiran genius macam tu

mmm.... dan disebabkan semalam ada 2 penguji saja. dia dan seorang lagi dokter yang terkenal dengan rumours yang dia membenci orang malaysia. sampai ada seorang resident (dokter yang sedang belajar untuk menjadi specialist) beritahu kalau di uji sama dokter yang ini. harus sabar. dengan kan saja apa yang dikatakannya. jangan melawan. dia beritahu pada kawan saya, anak malaysia. mmm

kami semua anak malaysia end up exam dengan dokter rumours ni.

memanglah menggigil waktu pertama kali masuk bilik dia. nasib exam ramai-ramai takdelah cuak sangat.

eh, baik kot dokter ni...... langsung tak keluarpun isu malaysia-indonesia ... siapalah yamg fitnah dokter tu sampai macam tu sekali. mmmm....

pokoknya ujian semalam memang menyenangkan. tapi tak tahulah hasilnya macam mana. tapi saya sudah mencuba sehabis baik. yang lain saya hanya boleh berserah pada yang lebih kuasa....

jadi apa yang saya belajar semalam adalah, jangan menjudge orang lain. apalagi sebelum berjumpa eye-to-eye sendiri dengan orang tu. apa yang orang kata boleh jadi betul. boleh jadi salah. jadi lebih afdal kalau kita sendiri yang melihat untuk mengkonfirmasi. jangan terlalu percaya dengan orang lain.

dokter-dokter di bagian kedokteran nuklir memang different from other departments yang saya dah pergi. mereka sangat baik. lebih pandai mengajar dan yang paling penting. mereka lebih berprinsip.

soal prinsip saya tak boleh nak jelaskan banyak-banyaj. sebab saya sendiri masih seperti lalang. mengikut saja. yelah... saya tiada power. tunggulah nanti bila saya dah berjaya.... saya hasut orang satu-satu ikut prinsip saya... hehehehe.....

jadi dokter itu harus fikirkan "nantinya bagaimana?" bukan "bagaimana nanti?"

-khairi if khairi baca ni, dr. budi pun pernah cakap benda yang sama macam dokter yang khairi post kat wall fb khairi hari tu.... hehehehe.... rasanya diorang ada guru yang sama kot... huhuhu-

jangan bias dengan orang lain. kalau kita menganggap kita berbeza... orang lain pun akan memikirkan perkara yang sama.

mari ber"empathy" dan bersifat kasih sayang... -itu 2 prinsip yang setiap dokter harus ada-

sebenarnya bukan dokter saja... setiap manusia harus ada... barulah ada world peace....

betul ke betul?

silent therapy

2011-03-25T06:53:00.002+08:00

kadang-kadang bila kita keluar berjumpa dengan orang baru, kawan baru. kita lupa pada kawan lama yang suatu masa dulu sentiasa ada dengan kita. yang sebenarnya sentiasa ada untuk kita.

kita lupa.

kadang-kadang juga bila kita lupa, kita dengan tidak sengaja telah meyakitkan hati kawan lama yang dilupakan.

tapi patut ke sampai tak mahu bertegur sapa? no, too harsh. the best way to describe this is "silent therapy".

kadang-kadang kita tak sedar kita telah menyakitkan hati orang lain.
sehingga orang lain terpaksa membuat "silent therapy" untuk mengingatkan.

well, for me, that's the best way to handle fragile friends.
i did that sometimes. when i think it''s no worth to break the relationship by a fight.

and now someone gave me a silent therapy. im trying to find the cause but as far as im concern, im the one who should give the silent therapy to that particular person.
mungkin saya yang terlalu lemah sehingga saya merasakan semuanya salah saya walaupun saya tak tahu pun apa salah saya. but friend, if im wrong im sorry.

kadang-kadang, penat meminta maaf untuk perkara yang kita tak salah. mmmm.....

im sorry i read your blog

2011-03-21T22:40:00.003+08:00

the thing is, i want to make sure that you are happy after all that i've done to you. that's why i keep on reading your blog because i think that's the only way i could keep on track with you.

i cannot do anything to make you happier. i cannot make you happy at all. all i can do is watching you living your life from far. and pray that you have a happy blissful life.

it hurts me when i know you are sad. it hurts me more when i found out mostly it was because of me and i cant do anything to lighten your burden. and all of those words, all the curses, i know you didnt mean any of it. because i believe deep down you are the nicest, kindest human being alive.

yes the guilt haunts me. and it drives me crazy. but....
im not writing this to look out for your sympathy to forgive me or whatever you think it is.
like you, writing is just my way to express my feeling. not more and not less.

im sorry i messed up your life.

NAIF

2011-03-19T20:03:00.003+08:00

"denganmu aku bahagia
denganmu semua ceria
janganlah kau berpaling dariku
kerna kamu hanya satu untukku"

i am a crazy, selfish bitch.
but i like it.
im sorry im a freako!!!

lukisan saya selalunya kena ada rasa sayang.
kalau hati saya sedang senang, insyaALLAH boleh jadi.
tapi gambar awak ni terlebih handsome pulak (p/s: awak yang cakap eh =p)
ada dua maksud je
1. saya tak pandai lukis
(which is true. masih amatur and i didnt take any class pun so wajarlah kan =p)
2. saya terlebih sayang =p
(which is.... eewww eewww malu aaa geli-geli macam ni keh keh keh =p)

ewww..... geli geli =p

takut

2011-03-13T01:13:00.000+08:00

"aku takut...
kamu pergi.
kamu hilang.
kamu sakit.

aku ingin...
kau disini.
disampingku.
selamanya"

thank you for making me brave enough to fight to be with you

dream

2011-03-11T01:24:00.002+08:00

while waiting for you, i suddenly fall asleep...
and there you are, in my dream...
i hugged you tight and never going to let you go. anymore.

what does sayang mean?

2011-03-04T19:26:00.002+08:00

it means whatever.

i love sailing in dreamland. my destination is wherever you are.

2011-02-27T17:38:00.000+08:00

"kaulah detak hatiku selamanya kau kuinginkan.
apa yang kupinta... jangan kau tiada."

we will make good love

2011-02-27T14:24:00.005+08:00

i have to hide my existence,
in order for my existence to be revealed.
it's that far of a distance,
between me and him.

even if he's next to me, he's not really there.

i knew it wouldn't be easy

if the distance is too far,
RUN TO HIM.
if it feels like he's not next to you,
then, HUG HIM.

i always adore man who kiss his lover's forehead

it is like a father's love of a lover.
it is like a sign of protection.
a sign that she is his and everyone should know it,
because it's so clear on the forehead for anyone to ignore.

romantic mood of secret garden
hehehe....

mocca-latte

2011-02-24T14:09:00.001+08:00

hee....
sometimes all you want is just there, in front of you.
all you got to do is.... OPEN YOUR EYES.

love

buat temani awak sampai akhir malam

2011-02-22T23:58:00.001+08:00

"percayalah padaku meski digelap malam kamu gak sendirian
dan semua bintang yang ku tinggalkan, temani kau sampai akhir malam"

horrible adorable

2011-02-21T22:10:00.003+08:00

sometimes sad movie is the best excuse to cry after you hold your tears for a long time.

mellow exam week. and i miss lots of people.

massive breakdown

2011-02-20T18:31:00.003+08:00

ibu was here in bandung. but now she's gone. back home. i miss her.

i wish im not here.

v(^_~)V

2011-02-16T21:28:00.000+08:00

salahku putuskan cintamu
ku sesali itu
pergi meninggalkan dirimu
kini ku merindukanmu

sayangku maafkanlah diriku
ku tahu ku salah menyakitimu
sayang terimalah aku lagi
ku masih mencintaimu

aku memang tak sempurna
ku sadari itu
ampuni semua kebodohanku
ku tak bisa hidup tanpamu

MASIH MENCINTAIMU-GRUVI

p/s: hehehe

i need a hug, but surely not from you darling.

2011-02-12T15:26:00.003+08:00

i think it was not a good idea after all.
all i wanna do is to make you part of my life by sharing on what's new...
and guess what?
i was wrong.
you'll never be part of mine because for you everyone is wrong
and worst, you make them feel they're wrong too.
i need someone to share, you dont have to do anything. just listen.
but you make an extra effort. YOU JUDGED.
so nice of you...

i dont know why i told you in the first place.

it's ok. im fine. i just need to learn from this mistake. you are still my friend.
i can be you problem-listener. i wont judge. like you did. i promise.
let me be your friend for your-benefit.

but dont expect me to open my world for you. eh, you dont even care kan, kawan?

a post for myself

2011-02-12T11:19:00.001+08:00

i hate myself for doing the thing i did to you. im sorry.

Can you imagine what I would do if I could do all I can? -Sun Tzu-

2011-02-11T22:51:00.005+08:00

11022011
imissyou

i fixed a star in the sky to remind me of you

2011-02-09T22:20:00.003+08:00

"and i know kung fu
and im not afraid to you
and i might be small
but im not a coward
i got puppy powers
and im not afraid to use"
-the boy least likely to-

happy day
hope tomorrow will be better

btw miss P, you can make me down one day BUT not the other day. ill rise higher than before.

(miss P is my latest best friend. her full name is PROBLEM)

"do good to your friends to keep them, to your enemies to win them"
-benjamin franklin-

hello best friend.

all about work and it is not fun at all

2011-02-08T20:44:00.002+08:00

i tried.
i tried to be positive all the way.
but in the end.
everything went wrong.
and i feel like quitting.
but.
but.
that is so not me.
but.
but.
but im tired.
and i need a break.
but.
but.
im so busy doing nothing
because i dont have a clue.

what should i do...

im tired and i need a break.

ayah ku kata "bermimpilah, nanti Tuhan akan memeluk mimpi-mimpi kau" - arai sang pemimpi

2011-02-05T20:45:00.005+08:00

selama 4 tahun ++ saya duduk di Indonesia ni... cerita laskar pelangi dan sequelnya sang pemimpi adalah indonesian masterpieces yang terbaik... memang tabik spring toing toinglah...

saya pun kurang pasti cerita ni dah samapai melaysia atau belum tapi memang rugi siapa yang tak tengok cerita ni. sebab bagi saya cerita inilah kehidupan yang sebenar. semuanya memang makan dalam... dari cerita tentang hidup, tentang perjuangan, tentang ilmu, sampai tentang cinta... semua memang di tip top terbaik... tak tipu-tipu macam fantasi... memang apa yang kita alami sehari-hari....

hehehe... ini cerita lama sebenarnya... tapi kelmarin saya tengok lagi... dekat tv.
first time tengok kat cinema. tapi duduk depan sekali... sebab tak sabar nak tunggu lama-lama.. and kelmarin saya tengok kat tv pun gelak sungguh-sungguh nangis betul-betul...
hahahaharu.....

jadi, kalau tanya saya apa cerita indonesia yang terbaik, these two are my answers... highly recommended, peeps!

p/s: fatwa pujangga ni adalah lagu favourite saya untuk karaoke... sejak bila minat? sejak tengok cerita ni lah... selalunya ada banyak version tapi version arai ni, the best wa cakap sama lu.... =)

macam biasa this is for you... =)

it is a long way home

2011-02-02T23:15:00.007+08:00

family portrait

if you read my previous entry, ada satu ni yang saya cerita tentang pasien-pasien saya di installasi gawat darurat (emergency unit) --> click here

guess what... i met one of my patient today... dia sudah boleh berjalan gagah berani.... huhuhu.... dia adalah patient no 3... bacalah, bacalah....

rasa macam terharu sebab dia dah sehat.... (^_~)V

btw, i miss home... and my brother yang dekat egypt... he supposed to go to london for holiday. tapi ibu kata dia kata "kalau adek pegi, nanti adek je selamat... kawan-kawan adek macamana?"
alololo, suwiitttnya... memang gene suwitttt tu runs in the family kot.... =p

do take good care of yourself ye adek... susah-susah adek g hijack kereta kebal depan rumah adek tu bawak balik malaysia... hehehe... i love youlah...

adek poyo saya tapi kakak tetap sayang.
suka kata dia kacak... suka hatilaa dek... =p

with his most favourite girl in the world

selit gambar my favourite people in the world pulak -sebab rindu-

ololo... manja-manja time =p

aduh, homesick lah pulak....(T___T)

i'm glad I hitched my apple wagon to your star

2011-02-01T10:12:00.000+08:00

this is my analogy:
apple wagon is my problem
star is your word of advice

your star float my problems away

you are my star, my dear aida...
thanks for everything =)

this is new and wow...

2011-02-01T02:23:00.001+08:00

im happy because im stupid... hahaha... that's how i roll babeh...

for the stranger i hurt

2011-01-31T21:38:00.005+08:00

maybe the letter was not a good idea...
but that was a sincere apology from me.

im sorry if it hurts you more.
it was not my intention.

and i guess, it's true..
im not lucky to be in your shoe
but i was once been there too... and i know how you feel.
im sorry for not learning from the past.
and also i never said you are weak.
you are strong. stronger than me.
that makes me more unlucky for not being in your shoe

i can express millions of sorries to you. i wont be tired. but my dear, if the millions sorries are not enough for you, its ok. i understand...
and if you want me to be ignorant i also can do that...
suit yourself....

inject blended rainbow through my vein

2011-01-31T08:40:00.004+08:00

my last 2 jaga was not fun at all....

the second last jaga tak best sebab tak ada geng... tapi banyak jugak input yang berguna masuk kepala otak so bolehlah dimaafkan....

tapi last jaga, last night... memang tak best langsung-langsung....
sangatlah keji siapa yang tidak datang jaga... mentang-mentang dah lulus... sangatlah tak bertanggungjawab... malas nak cakap... malas nak layan orang yang tak bertanggungjawab ni.. suka hatilah... next time kalau korang susah... jangan lah sedih kalau tiada yang nak tolong...

nasib baik patient tak ramai sangat malam tadi... tapi untuk 4 orang jaga pasien yang macam tu memanglah stress....

fiza, next time jangan put high expectation sangat dekat orang...
nanti menyesal.....
and to survive,
all i have to do is to BE SELFISH and of course BE IGNORANT

a letter for you

2011-01-25T23:08:00.003+08:00

i wrote a letter for you...
a letter of forgiveness. to beg you to forgive me for what i did to you.

im sorry. i really do.

p/s: i wrote the letter in my mind. just so you know, it is sincerely from me to you. i composed it with all my heart. but i dont know when will i be able to hand it to you.

silent whisper

2011-01-23T22:29:00.000+08:00

jaga semalam was so funny...
dah lama tak gelak sampai nangis.... hehehe...

funny story 1
adalah satu patient perempuan ni pregnant 38 weeks... jatuh motor... and one of the doctor buat lawak.... "koq cepat bangat swelling nya yah" hahahaha... comel gile...

funny story 2
kitaorang tengah belajar buat rectal touche (colok dubur) dekat satu bapak yang ada benign prostate hyperplasia ni.... and at the same time kena ambil air kencing dia untuk test... waktu dokter tengah ajar-ajar kitaorang dia sambil-sambil spoeling catheter bapak ni (masuk kan air dalam selang biar produksi urine dia bertambah) and later dia pun masukkanlah dalam bekas air kencing untuk test.
saya kata... "takpe ke air kencing cair macam tu" dokter viky tu katalah... "ya, iya, ya.... encer bangat... ga apa apalaaa.... " and kakak senior saya ni dengar " buang ajalah..." dia pun dengan selamba buang je air kencing tu.....
tiba-tiba...
"hey DODOL.... koq dibuang urinenya...."
kitorang dah tergelak-gelak.... first time dengar orang cakap dodol... that was so funny....

malam tadi saya tak mengantuk langsung-langsung sebab saya enjoy last night jaga... semua orang sangat cute... sangat best... sangat funny....

i wanna have more jaga like that... tapi cuma tinggal satu kali je jaga.... huhuhu... hopefully that will be the best ever.... i think i miss dept bedah already...

eh, tiba-tiba ada orang buzz saya dekat ym... blush2... saya senang cairlaa dengan orang suka cakap sweet2 like candy ni.... bye... nak layan orang sweet... =p

p/s: i know im wrong. but sometimes i just cant stop doing what i did...
im sorry... im sorry for hurting you..... and most of all im sorry for loving you at the same time....

magic box

2011-01-19T19:24:00.002+08:00

one thing about me...
i always imagine what i plan to say or plan to do before i actually do it.
its not like i volunteer to plan about it but its like a reflex.

it is the same when i think about you.

at first it was an imagination. and then, the doubt conquer not only my whole body but also my mind. and my imagination become a nightmare.

i dont want to sleep tonight. i dont want to have nightmare about you.

i wish i have this magic box where i could pour all my insecurities
and pooff... in one blink the insecurities change me to one cool confident princess....

lets burn the midnight oil and make this sleepless night the best of all nights

just so you know, any night with you is always the best of all nights

let's just fall in love again

2011-01-16T10:47:00.000+08:00

try me and ill be on the way... for real now... =)

kau kata kau cinta, cinta pertama kepadaku...

2011-01-15T14:07:00.000+08:00

my dad's favourite sing out loud song.....
i miss you ayah.... miss singing this song with you =(

rollercoaster

2011-01-15T12:01:00.002+08:00

there's so many things happened for the last few weeks.... ada pengalaman yang best. ada yang tak. well, that's life man. what doesnt kills us, only makes us stronger (someone told me this last night on jaga).

lets rewind to last week.
- i was in orthopedic and traumatology department last week. an interesting department but does not suit my soul. =p ceh... hahaha...
- i was a chief-co on one fine jaga night. really fine i told you. tak banyak pasien. team sangat-sangat cooperate. bestlah pokoknya. and because of that, banyak dokter residen kenal saya. =) i like this part.
- and the handsome nice male-nurse pun tegur saya... "selamat pagi chief-co, berapa pasien hari ini?" ahahaha.... cute tak?
- and there's this one resident with sexy husky voice. i like. turn out to be the most arrogant resident i ever known... berlagak nak mampus macam terer sangat... (memang hebat pun but then janganlah berlagak sangat ish.....)
- by the way, because that week was a hectic week, saya pun jatuh sakit. huhuhu.... dokter pun manusia biasa. bisa sakit, bisa luka. and being me as always... saya simpan sendiri and told my friends after i felt better... tidak mengapa. sekarang i am stronger than yesterday.... =p

so this week...
- i was in neurosurgery department. ini department gila.... orang yang gila je boleh belajar tentang neurosurgery.... sebab the doctors GILA PANDAI..... hohoho....also not suit with my soul. and my brain capacity =p
- tapi jaga night was exciting. i got to stitch more patients. learn lot more about x-ray and ct scan reading. the residents were nice.
- and i got one experience which was last night. one of the patient died. sempat jugak saya buat cpr to her. mmm.... at first i felt nothing. but when her child cried..... i dont know, a sudden rush of mix feelings running down my vein.... =( my first dead patient..... huhuhu.... actually not my patient pun but she's dead under my supervision....oklah... consider my patientlah because she was a neurosurgery patient. and yes. im the one who told the doctor there's something wrong with her.... i did the cpr.... =(((( semoga rohmu tenang disana....

saya dah type random stuff dah ni... =p

i came across this quote from diana rikasari's blog...

"Doing the right thing is always more difficult than doing the wrong thing. That's why good people are great, because they overcome that difficulty."

i love it =) and i want to be the good people. and still be good no matter how the world treat me. what do you think? can i? can i?

kapal terbang kertas vs belon udara panas

2011-01-12T23:41:00.002+08:00

- could i fly high and never come back?
- being sick and busy at the same time are not cool at all...
- secondhand serenade was nice but not truly enjoyable... and this is sadness =(

i miss you.

never lonely version 2011

2011-01-02T01:04:00.000+08:00

do take good care of your heart, when i am far from you.
do wait for me, till i come back to you.
do believe in me, because i believe in you.

i want to have a fairy pet

2010-12-28T23:13:00.001+08:00

seorang kawan saya bertanya kepada saya "pernah tak dengar lagu ni???"
saya cuba sedaya upaya mendengar background muzik di restoran tempat kami makan waktu itu. tak dengar. terlalu perlahan. saya kata pada dia "nanti balik kita cari and dengar k?"
and as i promise. bukak you tube dan carilah... and as i listen to the song, i imagine... it was me, with a guitar, sing the song (budget taylor swift tak?) =p by the way, it's a nice, lovely song. saya suka lagu yang analoginya deep... maksudnya kena fikir dalam untuk temukan maksud lagu tersebut. saya pasti apa yang saya fikirkan bila mendengar lagu ini, tak sama dengan orang lain. mungkin juga jauh berbeza dengan penciptanya. but hey, you are free to think about anything according to your own opinion kan? =)

mmm... tiba-tiba saya malas nak interpret this song. sebab i did it already on my friend's fb wall....

=p

by the way.... jika anda diberi satu wish. fairy pet apa yang anda inginkan?

saya nak harimau rocker tapi hati ada taman yang boleh terbang (^_~)v

i feel i had no heart at all

2010-12-27T20:42:00.002+08:00

meet my new friend. KARIN EIJKELENKAMP. she's from Holland people.

(location=mesco, where we can sleep during on call, or the other day after on call =p)

karin said the formation looks like ladder =p

*if im not wearing the baju kurung, dont you think i look like Indonesian? heeee....
i used to have an attitude in which i dont care what people will say about my appearance, which means i dress differently in style. but now, i have no time to think about that anymore... huhuhu... kesian si comot ni kan =(

*it's so cute to see karin did the anamnesis to patients. "shejhak khapan?" (sejak kapan?) =p

*i assisted an operation last jaga. cool experience but not so adventurous. i need more blood. =p
btw, thanks mimi for the opportunity =) you are soooo understanding... nice job chief-co... =D

eh? menang? (^_~)v

2010-12-26T21:59:00.003+08:00

ada satu hari nak dinner dengan yan. tak ingatlah makan apa waktu tu tapi kitorang makan dekat meja makan sambil tengok tv. tengok-tengok kat tv ada malaysia lawan indonesia. sebagai seorang perempuan yang tak bersukan, obviouslylah saya tak tahukan ada game malam tu. eh, ayat yang lebih tepat... obviouslylah saya tak AMBIL TAHUkan.... huhuhu....

baru je tengok, malaysia dah dapat 1 gol. apa lagi excitedlah nak tengok kan. huhuhu..... tapi lepas indonesia gol yang ketiga. saya pun malas nak sambung tengok. baik pergi belajar. malam tu bila buka facebook. satu-satulah kawan-kawan yang belajar kat indonesia ni buat status.
"nak tukar warganegaralah macam ni"
"next time, baik sokong indon"
"itu main bola ke berenang?" (hehehe, ni saya reka sendiri =p --> sebab saya tengok diorang suka jatuh macam nak diving)

saya rasa tak patutlah macam tu. sepatutnya, tak kisahlah menang ke kalah ke. kita seharusnya sokong yang sebenar-benarnya. tak kisahlah sokong indonesia ke. sokong malaysia ke. tapi janganlah kutuk-kutuk sarkastik the opposite site bila kalah. ingat senang ke nak main. nak main satu hal. nak bawak nama negara lagi. nak prepare mental untuk lawan negara yang memang banyak konflik lagi. kesianlah diorang. tak patut betul.
bila menang puja-puja. bila kalah malu pulak nak mengaku warganegara.

ish ish ish

saya sebenarnya malas nak ambik tahu. bukan apa, saya tak minatpun bola sepak ni. dulu waktu selangor tengah unggul juara piala malaysia, stadium shah alam tu selalu penuh dengan orang-orang. saya pulak tak pernah langsung-langsung pergi stadium shah alam tu. walaupun dah berbelas-belas tahun saya duduk shah alam. TAK PERNAH. hahaha...

ok tak berkaitan pun. =p

pokoknya menang ke kalah saya tak heran.

tapi sejak malaysia dapat masuk final ni. saya macam terdevelop satu sikap kenegaraan yang berlebihan pulak. mana tak nya. bila jaga tak kira pasien, dokter pun asyik tanyakan saya sokong siapa final malaysia vs indonesia ni. malas betul saya nak jawab. jawapan paling selamat. "maaflah saya tak nonton bola"

kadang-kadang geram jugak dengan diorang ni. taulah indonesia menang lawan malaysia hari tu. bangga diorang berlebihan macam diorang pulak yang main. sampai satu prof ni tak habis-habis cakap pasal indonesia kalahkan malaysia. MALAYSIA DIKALAHKAN TKI (tenaga kerja indonesia) bila dah cakap pasal TKI mulalah start cakap tentang TKI kena dera. hello, arab dera TKI korang lagi teruk kot. takde pulak nak kutuk-kutuik arab. eeeee.... geram betul.

nak kata pendek akal, prof. nak kata stupid losers, dokter. mmm.... whylah why.

and malam ni, malaysia termenang pulak. saya yang tak minat nak tengok bola ni pun, duduk depan tv dari start till the end. 3-0 kot. nice one lah malaysia.

saya ingat lagi. ada seorang kawan pernah cakap.
"tak kisah kot kalau malaysia kalah. sebab dah biasa dah dengar diorang kutuk-kutuk malaysia kalah. tapi kalau malaysia menang, tak taulah apa yang nak dikutuknya kita nanti"

and last jaga, disebabkan banyak yang bertanya kami anak malaysia sokong siapa, ada seorang kawan yang terpaksa pura-pura "sokong indonesia" (with cross fingers kat belakang =p) sebab takut kena ganyang.

pleaselah indonesia. i respect you guys ok. we respect you guys. why cant you respect us. most importantly why cant you respect yourself?

saya sekarang ada banyak kawan-kawan indonesia. banyak je yang berfikiran terbuka. tak kurang banyak jugak yang berfikiran sempit. tak kiralah pasien. kawan-kawan koas, dokter. profesor...

saya tau siapalah saya nak buat semua orang sayang semua orang. semua orang nak suka semua orang. but i am a peace lover. kawan-kawan lets shake hands and hug each other. no matter you are indonesian or malaysian.

peace no war people.

p/s1: esok tak tau nak pergi hospital dengan rasa bangga atau dengan rasa takut kena kutuk. aish... kalahpun kena kutuk, menangpun kena kutuk. apa yang mereka nak ni saya pun tak tau.

p/s2: asyik sakit je sejak masuk hospital ni. dulu dekat j-town tak pulak macam ni. in 4 years. cuma sakit few times je. bukan every month. aduh.

p/s3: dah lama dah suka dengar lagu kebangsaan indonesia. kind of patriotic. nicelah indonesia.

p/s3: yeay!!!! malaysia menang!!!! go harimau malaya.... roarrr.....

sweet is your middle name

2010-12-26T15:38:00.003+08:00

"if eyes could speak
one look would say everything
...
and i wouldnt have to talk"

-love at first hiccup-

beware of your heart

2010-12-26T01:51:00.002+08:00

yesterday i went shopping.... (buat gaya white chick + sotong *wink wink*)

btw, that's not the point. on the way back home, my friend told a cute story. the kind which i straightly said "nak post dalam blog ah... =p" hehehe.... she forgot where she read it... but i think it's sooooo cute....
like super cute....
like major cute!!! =p

he : i think i wanna be a super hero. could you suggest a name that's suitable for me?
she: superman?
he : mmm no.
she: batman?
he : no. no.
she: spiderman?
he : naahhh... i dont think so.
she: .... (and the list goes on... i cant think of any other superhero =p... yaaa... im nerd like that)
he : mmm, could i be YOURMAN?
she: .... (i bet she's blushing... btw, i did =p)

cuwittttt....;p

p/s1 : i wanna write something, anything.... but every time i typed the title, suddenly everything's lost. baru title belum the first paragraph lagi... =(

p/s2 : is it annoying if i tell you guys about my patients??? mmm, yes ah? but they are interesting... =D

p/s3: lately, i always sleep late. why ah? i did nothing pun.... =(

i'll reset your silhoutte... if i could.

2010-12-19T01:40:00.001+08:00

"Goodbye Brielle
Only whispers can tell
Of the sweet dreams that we knew so well
I'll see you around our dear ocean town
The frozen days we set ablaze
Sent me drifting away
Like a butterfly, you floated by and now you're alone
I wish I knew when I'll be back again
So until then I wish you well
My dear Brielle"

*style jugak nama brielle ni.

no envy no fear

2010-12-18T17:00:00.004+08:00

khamis malam jumaat kelmarin was my forth time jaga. huhuhu... penat sangat kot.
i got 6 patients. ok for the first time, i want to story-mory-morning-glory to you guys who read my blog (of courselah kan) my jaga experience. hahaha...

ok my first patient is miss N 17 years old. came with acute abdomen pain. suspect peritonitis due to appendicitis (famously known as penyakit usus buntu among indonesian). for this first patient, i got some time to do anamnesis to her and her grandma. tanyalah sikit riwayat sakit dia ni. and luckily for me. they were so nice. even she was sick at that time. by the way, for those who likes to eat spicy food. berhati-hati... banyak sangat kasus appendicitis yang saya jumpa everytime jaga. even i myself yang sangat gila makan pedas pun jadi takut. saya dah kurang makan pedas dah sekarang. huhuhu...

heee...

and for the second patient, ibu EE, 47 years old.
this ibu also was so nice. husband dia sangat lovely kot. you can see it by the way they look at each other and how he take care of her. aaaa bestnya....
by the way, this ibu was referred from other hospital called rumah sakit ujung berung. her chief complain was dyspnea (shortness of breath=sesak nafas). and the resident doctor did some aspiration and there you go... a full 10cc fluid in the syringe. confirming the presence of fluid in her lung cavity. that's why she can hardly breath.
poor ibu. but, the cause is still blur. sebab the medical record from the other hospital seems incomplete. entahlah. but the differential diagnosis is pleural mass. mungkinkah tumor.. i dont know.
i took some blood from this ibu, at first it was a failed attempt. huhuhu... jadi kurang pede dech... and suddenly when i looked back at the syringe it was full. magic? =p
the doctors plan to do chest tube tracheostomy (CTT) but because i had to handle the third patient i missed the procedure. i missed the chance to touch the pleura with my finger. damn you third patient.... hahaha... no lah... joking. ada banyak lagi chance in the future...
sabar-sabar. =)

ok for the third patiet. this young man (younger than me, but look older) mr Y. have abses scrotal dextra. yes. the scrotum terbuka people. scrotum is the bulging part of man's genital area. alah yang ada testis tu, bawah penis. orang kata telor lelaki.
haah, terbuka and you can see the testis tergantung tanpa penutup. doctor said "ini sudah avital" (maksudnya dah tak boleh pakai. matilah senang cerita)
kesian kot. and bau dia busuk sangat kot. tapi muka harus maintain seperti tiada apa. baru macho. hahaha... inipun cause dia macam blurry. tiba-tiba tengah bertani, sakit and pecah. lebih kurang macam tu lah cerita dia. tapi this man, macam sombong sikit. i failed to do the infus. ada seorang kakak senior ni observed my action. and when i failed she tried to do it as well. tapi dia pun tak dapat. this man is too thin, so the vein is hard to detect. untuk seorang yang kurang berpengalaman seperti saya memanglah susah... hahaaha... i should practice lagi gigih. yes i will... so what we did lastly was ask the nurse to do the infus. they were so pro. tabik springlah teh-teh (panggilan kakak untuk orang sunda).
this patient tak susah handle. sebab procedure for him sikit je. sebab dia harus ke OK (kamar operasi) mereka tidak mahu panggil KO (hahaha, can you imagine, dah lah orang sakit, nak suruh pergi KO, psycho!!!)

lebih kurang macam ni lah,
tapi patient tu punya lebih besar dan lagi teruk sebab dah gangrene (dah hitam)
and boleh nampak testis.

so i proceed to the 4th patient. Ny. N, 31 years old.
when my chief co assign me to handle this patient, i looked at the bed. "eh, mana patientnya?" bed dia kosong choyy.... dah scary dah, huhuhu... rupa-rupanya patient dia duduk dekat tepi katil, get ready to climb the bed. baru lepas pergi toilet untuk kencing (kena ambil air kencing dia untuk dianalisa). this patient pun baik. she had hidronephrosis (a term when your kidney filled with waste -air kencing- that cant be secreted out because of presence of obstruction) so what we did is making an opening at her back so that the fluid can be secreted out. the procedure is called nephrostomy. heee... i helped assist this nephrostomy. cool weh... cool.

seterusnya, seorang lelaki 22 tahun masuk dengan penurunan kesadaran karena ditabrak. accidentlah pokoknya. dia ni untung. semua kawan-kawan dia concern kat dia. dioranglah yang tolong tolak lelaki ni pergi bilik xray. senang sikit kerja kitaorang. hahaha.. tapi dia ni tak teruk sangat cuma luka dekat dagu. deep. hehehe... and i, got the chance to stitch him... actually this is my second time =p and during stitching i cant remember what the doctor did, his blood splashed to my face. to my face dude. hahaha. ingat nak ambil gambar. tapi bila tengok cermin alahai sikit je.. tak horror pun =p

and the last patient is a young girl, 17 years old. accident jugak. tapi cerita dia ni sadis sikit. my chief-co said she came together with a man. but she entered emergency and the man entered forensic. mmm... kasihan. and the doctor have to cut her hair jugak. her long hair. sebab penuh dengan blood.

overall, it was a busy, busy night. buka puasa pun pukul 10 malam. serious tak perasan time berlalu sebab too busy.

another jaga --> ahad malam (monday morning jadi zombielah nampaknya)

by the way, this is my 200th post people!!! hehehe (^_~)v

p/s: all pictures from google image =)

Aku Yang Asing

2010-12-15T05:35:00.001+08:00

"biarpun aku yang asing selalu memikirkanmu..."

saya selalu cuba menjadi yang lain dari orang lain
kalau most people pakai jam ada jarum, i prefer digital watch
(selalunya saya akan bagi reason saya malas nak baca jam jarum tu, tapi the truth is i just wanna be different)
kalau most people pakai jam yang low profile (kecik and usually dark colour), i prefer weird apple green or striking yellow mellow....

itu baru jam belum kasut or everything else... =p
i just want to be different from others i dont know why...
i guess that is how i survive this gloomy lonely life i lived.
bagi balance sikit... hahaha.

sebenarnya hidup saya takdelah gloomy sangat or lonely sangat pun... saya selalu suka hiperbola.
with good family and friends who listen, good music with easy access, things i love doing, and no financial problems (and some extra money for shopping weee....),
i actually live a perfect life. almost perfectlah. ALHAMDULILLAH...hehehe....

cuma you know, happy is an ordinary phrase everybody use.
and of course most of the time, when im happy i usually dont share.

seriously...

there will be no status update on fb telling how happy i am, having a new shoe on discount. or how happy i am, getting an excellent result. or how happy i am, having you in my life (ececece.... as if i have anybody in particular laa kan =p) hahaha.
same goes to my blog... i rarely post happy updates... well, maybe when you are sorrow you'll write better.... superficial heh?
just so you know, i dont update my status on fb pun. people think i dont use fb hahaha...

i tend to keep things to myself. or to strangers.
i dont know, maybe it is way more interesting than telling your so called friends how you feel. because most of the time i think they are judging me.
i dont judge myself. i cant see strangers judging me. so by doing this, im safe from unnecessary heart ache.

and that is my definition of happiness...

memanglah tak healthy kan. rasa diri betul je. but kawan-kawan, i think when we feel what we do is right, you are building confidence in you. dont you think its good. =p
tapi janganlah sampai buat orang lain terasa hati. that is not nice, that is evil.
yang sedang-sedang saja. enough for you to feel good and for others to feel comfort being around you.

anyway, dont be yourself. be the best for yourself.

cakap senangkan... cuba buat.=p

i want to change the world, instead i sleep...

2010-12-14T21:13:00.001+08:00

"but in the end
the most important thing to accept
no matter how alone you feel
or how painful it may be
with the help of those around you
you'll get through this too"

kau adalah sebahagian dari semuanya

2010-12-13T21:34:00.004+08:00

when ego have conquered you,
you are no longer yourself...

you are someone who is trying to get out from yourself, but you really cant.... believe me... YOU CANT..
it's like you want to explain why you did what you did, but you cant because the ego stops you...
you just too stubborn to kill the ego... and it hurts you deeply to see they hurt too..
but you just cant open your mouth to tell them that you're bleeding inside to see them that way...

unless... they are worth enough for you to break your own ego wall

hey worthy people... come break my ego wall, before it gets thicker...

COME FAST!!!

p/s: the title is a caption from idola semua orang (P Ramlee)
suwwwiiittttt sangat kan??? (^_~)v

the song speaks for my heart. i think i miss you.

2010-12-12T23:10:00.001+08:00

selir hati -triad

aku cinta kamu
tapi kamu tak cinta aku
ku tak pernah tahu apa salahku
hingga kamu tak suka aku
tak mau aku

mungkin dimatamu
aku tak pantas untukmu
tapi tak mengapa
aku sadari kekuranganku ini

aku rela ooo aku rela
bila aku hanya menjadi
selir hatimu untuk selamanya
ooo aku rela ku rela

aku sudah bilang
ku kan terus mengagumi
ku kan terus cinta
terus merindu
meski kau diam saja
kau diam saja

goner as i am

2010-12-12T20:38:00.007+08:00

i'm almost alive and i need you to try and save me.
it's ok that we're dying but i need to survive tonight.
secondhand serenade - half alive

lega bila dah lepaskan beban dalam kepala ni... mungkin saya patut jadi lebih outspoken... dan belajar jangan simpan benda dalam hati... baru hidup tak terbeban dengan buat assumption yang bukan-bukan....

hehehe... btw, saya sedang stalk seseorang sekarang... =p
saya nak cakap sesuatu dengan dia... tapi saya tak tau patut ke tak saya bagitau apa yang saya nak cakap ni.... mmm...

macamana eh?

hello Mr. F.... (^_~)v

2010-12-11T15:17:00.000+08:00

happy birthday to you
happy birthday to you
happy birthday to mmmmmmmm......
happy birthday to you

*please imagine im singing this to you*
(^_~)v

have a nice day awak...
im wishing you all the best.
sorry for not wishing you earlier last night. i was on jaga. and it was a hectic night. i myself have to handle 8 patients... stress...
but whatever it is or it was... today is your day. enjoy yours...

hee... im celebrating you from far ok dear....

imagination of lost soul

2010-12-08T23:29:00.000+08:00

Sore - Silly Little Thing (Feat Atilia haron)

lagu tak sama dengan keadaan jiwa.
tapi lagu sangat cute sampai ter'imagine' diri hidup dalam lagu =p

hehehe...

hope this silly little thing will also make you, the lost souls, find your way home. like i did. even it is only in your imagination...

imagination of happy thoughts is way better than no happiness at all.

my fake smile is always with you.
dont worry you'll get use to it.

rock the world 10

2010-12-07T22:52:00.002+08:00

so far, i enjoyed every single RTW i've been.
last year's was amazing...
but tak dapat pergi this year.
nak imagine je ada kat sana... =p

but it's ok... i have the substitute...
tak sabar nak tunggu 8th january. =p-- drool*

sangat betul kot

2010-12-07T19:42:00.001+08:00

It's a simple game. You win when you stop caring about it.

copy and paste from "i wrote this for you"

let's stop caring..... and be a winner!!!
dare to?

surgery best weh

2010-12-07T14:43:00.002+08:00

ini department yang paling saya enjoy... walau tak cukup tidur, tapi somehow dekat sinilah saya rasa where my heart belongs. heee....

tapi takkan saya nak jadi surgeon kot. macam tak je. =p

like what mimi would say, BRING IT ON!!!

2010-12-05T12:11:00.002+08:00

my post jaga syndrome is very mild =p
most probably because my jaga time was daytime.
asikkkk... =p
btw, i successfully withdraw blood from this bapak... so happy cause it's my first time and... im not trembling... yeay!!!
jaga time was very exciting. i want more.... =p

i want to stitch someone.

2010-12-04T06:22:00.001+08:00

today is my first real jaga in instalasi gawat darurat.
wish me all the luck in the world, friends.

i think my life is filled with "what if"

2010-11-28T23:57:00.002+08:00

let me correct it.
MY LIFE is sooooo full with "what if"
if only i have a time machine.
i surely will have no time and no thing to regret.
but then again... it is just another "what if"....

fine!

2010-11-28T23:23:00.002+08:00

tak sangka...
dalam banyak-banyak orang dia yang akan mengatakan itu....
fine... kalau saya yang nak buat, saya akan buat sendiri.

walking tall

2010-11-27T08:58:00.002+08:00

beberapa bulan kebelakangan ini, saya sering dirundum malang. saya tau ini adalah antara ujian pertama yang perlu saya lalui untuk meneruskan perjalanan dalam dunia yang saya pilih ni. saya bukan mahu berputus asa. tapi saya akui saya bukanlah orang yang selalu diuji. jadi bila mendapat ujian ini sendirian membuatkan saya merasakan sayalah orang yang paling malang dalam dunia.
entahlah. selalu saya fikir. asal kau dah buat sesuatu dengan daya terbaik yang kau ada, kau pasti berjaya. saya lupa memasukkan elemen takdir dan tuah didalam pemahaman ini. ini membuatkan saya belajar satu perkara yang sebenarnya paling penting dalam hidup, at least in my world.

sekarang, saya sudah faham bagaimana nak berjalan dalam dunia saya. walaupun tak berapa jelas, tapi saya dah nampak jalannya. jadi saya akan terus berjalan. sebab ini yang saya pilih dari awal walaupun sebenarnya inilah satu-satunya pilihan saya. tapi bukanlah bermaksud cuma ini pilihan yang saya ada. cuma saya tidak meletakkan pilihan lain dalam option saya. kenapa? saya pun tak tahu. saya macam telah set mind saya, this is my destiny. i have no other option but this. and only this.

huhu... katalah apapun. katalah pemikiran saya pendek. atau tak berpandangan luas atau apa. saya akan cuba buat-buat tak kisah. sehingga akhirnya saya saya kebal dengan semua pemikiran negatif itu. doakan saya sebab saya tak begitu kuat.

berjalan dan terus berjalan. bukan dengan kaki tapi dengan hati.

happy tears

2010-11-26T02:11:00.000+08:00

saya mahu ketawa sampai menetes air mata.

please.

gerak hati

2010-11-21T16:20:00.001+08:00

i cant resist his voice....
so strong and unbroken.

"aaaaaakuuuu hanya mampu bernyanyi, mimpi-mimpi terang itu"
i wish i can sing the reality, not only the dream.

im still in love with you

2010-11-21T12:37:00.001+08:00

sometimes the tv is like a lover
singing softly as you fall asleep
you wake up in the morning
and it's still there....

i still love my life-i-pretend-to-love.
please be soft with me...

and please sing a lullaby for me, life.
so i know you still love me too...

sabda Rasulullah SAW - "jauhilah oleh kalian zhan(persangkaan buruk), karena zhan adalah sedusta-dusta ucapan"

a life i pretend to love

2010-11-18T21:37:00.003+08:00

i NEED a life. that i love.
but,
i HAVE a life. that i pretend to love.

please, do survive!!!

SevenCollar T-Shirt -Jangan Tinggal Daku (VIDEO TRIBUTE)

2010-11-13T12:30:00.000+08:00

oh my oh my
this is above cool....

Hujan - Tunggu Sekejap @ Konsert P Ramlee

2010-11-13T12:26:00.000+08:00

adorable.

cuba mencari cahaya dan terus berjuang untuk hidup

2010-11-07T18:16:00.003+08:00

image dari sini

next department
GIGI DAN MULUT
"cukuplah ALLAH sebagai pelindung"

bila kau diuji. senyum dan pura-pura jadi kuat.

2010-11-06T09:15:00.003+08:00

minggu kelmarin saya diuji dengan macam-macam perkara yang menyedihkan.
saya cuba berpura-pura kuat depan semua orang. janganlah cuba menegur saya yang sedang berpura-pura. sebab saya sememangnya tak pernah kuat. saya cuma berpura-pura.

saya harap saya akan lebih kuat berpura-pura selepas ini.
sebab saya tahu lepas ni mesti lebih hebat ujian yang akan datang. jadi saya harus lebih kuat berpura-pura kuat...

kelmarin waktu saya sedang rebel dengan diri. saya terbuka channel sctv... ada satu series ni tentang "islam ktp" - maksudnya islam pada kartu tanda pengenalan (identity card). series ni memang hak-hak-dush laaa kena kat kepala sendiri. mmemang sangat menyindir tapi isinya, jalan ceritanya, memang betul-betul BETUL.
saya tak sure part apa yang saya tengok tu. sebab asyik tukar-tukar channel.
tapi, part tu ada seorang perempuan muda dengan ayah dia... dia tengah nangis-nangis (tak tau sebab apa) and cara ayah dia ni nasihatkan dia memang sangat kasar. tapi memang sangat betul apa yang dia kata. saya nak cerita balik pun tak tau macamana. tapi, ayat ayah dia yang saya sangat-sangat terasa memang saya akan ingat sampai bila-bila....

"seorang perempuan muslimah itu menyelesaikan masalah bukan dengan air mata, TAPI DENGAN DOA"

ya ALLAH...
aku sudah banyak kali melupakan Engkau, tapi Engkau tak pernah sekalipun melupakan aku.
sehingga dalam setiap apa yang aku lakukan diwaktu aku melupakan Engkau, Engkau masih mengingatkan padaku yang Engkau sentiasa ada untukku. ampunkanlah dosa-dosaku ya Allah.

jika ujian ini kau beri untuk membuat aku lebih baik kedepannya... ujilah aku.
tapi berikan aku kekuatan untuk menempuhinya ya ALLAH.

beri aku kekuatan... aku mohon....

memanglah penat, tapi macam mana nak buat.

2010-10-31T15:30:00.000+08:00

extracapsular cataract extraction

im strong

2010-10-29T20:41:00.002+08:00

saya lebih kuat selepas awak-awak jatuhkan saya.

saya janji saya tak akan menangis.
saya janji.
saya kuat.
saya kuat.
saya kuat.

ALAMAK!

2010-10-27T21:38:00.000+08:00

Salam feat Altimet - Alamak

alamak.... baru je belajar dah nak exam..... alamak!!!

pelakon terhebat

2010-10-27T06:14:00.001+08:00

harus berlakon untuk tersenyum lagi...

"Kau harus ada bersamaku"

the search

2010-10-26T19:10:00.002+08:00

banyak nak cakap,
tapi tak terkeluar.
dan semangat pun semakin hilang.....

ya ALLAH tabahkanlah hati ini
kuatkanlah aku yang semakin lemah

pagi ahad

2010-10-24T08:13:00.002+08:00

secawan horlicks
beberapa keping roti bakar dan planta
menonton shinchan

bliss

dah tak penting

2010-10-23T21:06:00.002+08:00

mungkin bila sudah menjadi tidak penting
semua akan pergi sendiri
tanpa disuruh
tanpa dipaksa

*menonton upin dan ipin di channel indonesia MNC
seruuuuu.......*

pergi yang tiba-tiba

2010-10-22T06:47:00.005+08:00

inani zalikha...
semoga kau bahagia disana sahabat.
selamat jalan.

luckily i still got my sunshine

2010-10-19T22:19:00.003+08:00

"teu tiasa menangis,
sering dibilang ga emosi...."
tak boleh menangis, selalu dikatakan tiada perasaan

keluh seorang makcik di ruangan infeksi dan imunologi yang didiagnosa menderita "dry eyes"

kesian dia...

=(

ku takut kau hilang

2010-10-19T06:56:00.002+08:00

"madu atau racun normamu, bunuh saja kecil hatiku"

lagu ni untuk awak.
jangan hilang ok =)

selamat malam malaysia

2010-10-18T21:55:00.001+08:00

tidur nyenyak-nyenyak awak
mimpikan saya yang jauh

kabus rindu

2010-10-17T09:33:00.001+08:00

sekarang masa untuk mata. mari belajar.
rumah sakit mata cicendo please be soft.